Alcoholics, and addicts for that matter, don't need to get loaded to think and behave as if they're under the influence. When on a "dry drunk" an alcoholic or addict can behave just as irrationally, selfishly, foolishly, self-destructively and insanely as when they're tanked to the gills. Usually this happens when one loses focus on recovery, which is what started to happen to me in early 1992. By that summer I had relapsed and ended up "chipping" heroin off and on for the rest of the year.
The next year I began a four year stretch where I convinced myself that I wasn't really an alcoholic despite my frequent hangovers, failed attempts to quit drinking and other insanity. Since I managed to excel at my job, keep producing paid journalism, do public speaking and other activism, relearn guitar and perform live and, most of all, cofound and perform in one of the very first transsexual-fronted heavy metal rock bands ever, it was a snap to convince myself my drinking was not a problem. At least until my liver began to pack it in. I didn't want to face the fact I needed to stay drunk because I'd been turned down for sex reassignment surgery by all of the top doctors due to my health. It killed me to be stuck in a male body, perhaps for the rest of my life.
photos CCW from top left
1. Preparing to ride with "Dykes on Bikes" in SF Pride Parade, Jun. 1991
2. Backstage with Holly Woodlawn at COYOTE fundraiser, Jan. 1992
3. Loaded on heroin at a Halloween party, Oct. 1992
4. Performing at COYOTE fundraiser, Mar. 1993
5. CD cover for my band's demo, circa 1995
6. Lady in red at SF LGBT Pride festival, year unknown
7. Marching with transgender contingent in SF Pride Parade, Jun. 1994
8. Taking a break from producing COYOTE benefit and hanging with Nola, Jun. 1993
Many things happened in these years, both in nightmares come to pass and dreams come true (especially founding the band and recording our 1996 CD), but you'll just have to imagine it for now. ____________________________________________________________